Remedial Hebrew

Somehow, I thought after 12 years of religious school, 42 years of sitting in shul at varying levels of frequency, passively listening to my Israeli friends over the years and even learning to read Torah recently, learning to speak conversational Hebrew would be a breeze. Not so much…

The four of us started an Ulpan last week—which is essentially an intensive Hebrew course, usually designed for new immigrants to Israel who need to integrate fast. Most programs are five to six months long, but we found a terrific one that was willing to cater to our reasonably short time frame and varying skill levels. It’s a charming place—in an apartment with a young and engaging staff, run by an energetic religious woman who has eight children (all of whom seem to have some role in running the ulpan) and incredible enthusiasm for teaching Hebrew. The program is designed to be one-on-one for 2 half hour periods with some conversation with staff and other students in the interim.

The kids immediately took to the program which combines conversation, songs, games and other engaging activities, and they zoomed ahead. Adam, who spent a year and a half in Israel 20 years ago, seemed to pick up where he left off. My 42 year old brain, however, seems to be too full of lyrics to 1970 popular songs and show tunes to have any room left for Hebrew vocabulary or grammar. Besides, I went to private school where they did not see fit to teach English grammar—how am I supposed to understand Hebrew grammar?? I have always wanted someone to design a devise—like a flash drive—that would allow you to download extraneous items from your brain to make room for other more pertinent information. Such a device would serve me well right now, but Bill Gates seems to be too busy saving the world to do anything useful right now.

Per the Ulpan’s program, we have dutifully loaded the lesson CDs on our ipods and I listen religiously (no pun intended). Indeed, I listen repeatedly during my morning runs at the expense of my already dubious navigation skills. Fortunately, Sderot, the West Bank and Gaza strip are a little further than I am capable of running—so I should be safe. I do feel that I have become quite adept at asking for directions when I am hopelessly lost, and wandering around drenched in sweat. However, most Israeli’s quickly get bored suffering through my tortured syntax (not to mention the panting for breath) before they just answer in flawless English.

The rest of the homework is much more challenging and both Adam and I are noticing that the procrastination skills that we honed so vigilantly in college and law school are well in tact and we have a hard time keeping up with it all. One of the most amusing daily assignments of the Ulpan is that we are required to repeat the following sentence 12 times per day: “I enjoy studying Hebrew. I understand and speak Hebrew easily and fluently. I progress rapidly in Hebrew.” Needless to say, I can barely get this so called “affirmation statement” out of my mouth with a straight face. So--try as I might, my dream of speaking like Israelis do in three weeks will remain just that. A dream. But I am having a lot of fun trying.

L’hitraot.